what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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