Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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