Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i think my cat just said my name.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
