If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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