His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
