my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Even my vagina gasped.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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