Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just found a bag of teeth...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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