so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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