So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
