I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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