You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
