You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
