Im at strip club and am horny
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
