I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
