Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
