Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
His hands were made for my vagina.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
