So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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