dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
...so i touched it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
