just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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