Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
