Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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