My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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