I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
