So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
