I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
