I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
