Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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