the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
