well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
