Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
