I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She needs sedatives and a leash
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
