I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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