he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Life is so much better after having sex.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
