my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
