I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
