i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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