put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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