Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
