People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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