fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
