So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I still have a little drunk in my system
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
