It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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