i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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