This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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