you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
