Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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