are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
