I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
