Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
