You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
