Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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