How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
