I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
