@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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