You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
