If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You smell like a Billy Joel song
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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